I had something a little more elaborate and more well-thought of that I had written, but I tossed it and decided to make this post raw. Excuse all the grammatical mistakes that may follow. These are just last minute thoughts running through my mind and hoping I can type fast enough to get them all, or most of them, out.
In less than 24 hours I will be embarking on what is definitely going to be the most physical, mental, and emotional challenges I’ve ever decided to embark on…a 50 mile ultramarathon. Never in my wildest nightmares dreams, did I ever imagine I’d be saying that. Or in this case, writing that. But I am. I’m scared. I’m excited. I’m sad. I’m curious. I’m a bundle of everything!
All these “what if’s” pop up in my mind.
What if I trip and fall? I suppose I just get back up and keep going.
What if I get injured? I know this is always a possibility in every aspect of every day life. If pain is severe that impairs mobility at even the slightest movement, then I would hope I’m smart enough to recognize that and stop, before risking even more injury. I’m really hoping and praying this scenario doesn’t happen and I don’t want to focus on it too much.
What if I get sick? I also don’t want to focus on the possibility of getting sick. Who wants to toss their cookies during a race? Not I, but if it keeps me in the race, then so be it.
What if I don’t beat the cut off times? I’m always afraid I’m not going to be fast enough to beat the cutoff time. If I give it my all in whatever conditions I may have that day, then I can’t be unhappy with my performance.
What if I let people down? And then there is the thought of letting people down. I don’t want to. I am blown away and humbled by the amount of support and encouragement family and friends have given me over the course of this whole thing. Especially within the last couple of weeks, my heart has been filled with gratitude for all of them. They are my strength. They are the energy that I will draw from. They all inspire me to keep going and not give up. They will propel me to that finish line. The only person I could possibly let down would be me. And I have to be with myself 24/7 so that’s incentive enough to never stop.
All, or none, of those scenarios may happen. I think the absolute worst case scenario would be I decided to throw in the towel before I even got to the start line. But I know that isn’t an option. Why? Because I want this! I want to go 50 miles.
Even before I completed my first 50K last February, I was already looking at 50 mile races. Six months ago, I signed up for one. Six months ago, I was ready. Six months ago, I didn’t plan on getting injured and missing out on valuable training time. Six months ago, it sounded like a very good idea. Now that the race is here, it still sounds like a very good idea.
All my race gear is packed up and ready to head on down to San Diego this morning. I wrote my checklist a few weeks ago and slowly more things were added to it but last night as I put on the finishing touches everything became so real. This is really happening. I know regardless of whatever happens tomorrow I made sure I had everything I needed and I did all the work I could possibly do within the time I had.
I don’t know what’s going to happen on Saturday. And that’s part of the fun and draw to these events. I could have the best race ever or I could have the worst race of all worst races. But no matter what I’m going to show up and give it my all. I’m choosing to do this. I’m choosing to find out what more I’m capable of. I remember how I felt during the 50K – it hurt, but I kept going and finished it. There’s no doubt in my mind 50 miles is going to hurt. Even if it’s a chosen suffering, it’s going to hurt. I even knew that, six months ago. And yes, I’m still going after it.
Thanks for reading and see you on the other side!