what suffering a loss teaches us

I’m running off pure emotion right now but it’s been an enormously tough Monday and all these thoughts and feelings I have are coming to the surface. I need an outlet. This is my outlet.

It was March 14, 2015 – the day before the L.A. Marathon and I was in Santa Monica to hear ultra runner and motivational speaker, Jimmy Dean Freeman speak to my running club the L.A. Leggers. My sister and I were talking to our friend Mike for a bit before I had to go use the ladies room. Afterwards I went to sit down beside my sis and as I did, she told me something that hit me like a ton of bricks. “Mike told me he has cancer.”

He was standing outside and I went out to see him. I could feel the tears start to well up before I even got to him. However, I didn’t want to become a blubbering mess right then and there because I didn’t want to cause a scene, or have people start to wonder what was going on. I didn’t know who knew, or who didn’t. Turns out, not many people knew at all.

But it was the day before the L.A. Marathon and what would have been my aunt’s birthday – my aunt who passed away from cancer just 4 months prior and whom I was dedicating the race to. My emotions were already running high.

When he saw me, he told me, “It’s okay. Everything is going to be okay.” I stayed positive, but that didn’t stop me from feeling what I was feeling.

We discussed what happened and his prognosis which was good. But now I had to go sit inside and pretend I was listening to JDF. I missed some things he said but I’m sure they were informative.

When I saw the messages of FUCK CANCER pop up on the Facebook from friends on Monday morning, I didn’t know what this was in reference to. I mean, of course, I agree 100% with the statement, but I see cryptic messages spring up all the time and figured this was just how people were feeling at this moment. Nothing wrong with that.

I decided to do my laundry early so I can head over to the gym afterwards since I didn’t wake up as early as I wanted to. The busyness from the weekend and the heat the past few days left me feeling a bit drained.

I had just brought my clothes in from the dryer when a message on Instagram popped up on my phone. I didn’t recognize the user name but it was Ana, whom I met through Mike. My mind went to my laundry, which was on my bed quickly getting wrinkled, so I put my phone down intending to read the message right after I was done.

Midway through folding my clothes, my heart sank and my mind yelled out, “OH MY GOD!” I dropped my clothes and ran back over to my phone to read the message.

Mike has been a friend for 6 years now.  In fact, I believe he was the second person I told when I thought about starting a blog back in 2011. His response: “You should!” He’s always been so supportive and encouraging and I’m glad I made him a part of this blog, especially during the early days. You can search “Mike” in the search box and his posts will be there.

Sometimes we’d go for coffee after our runs. In later seasons we’d run in different pace groups, but that didn’t stop us from chatting before or after our run/walks. Mike was the person who showed me how to close the apps after I got my first iPhone back in 2012. He was so knowledgable about technology and music and we’d talk about tv shows. On and on, our conversations would go.

My sister reminded me to when he registered for the Honolulu Marathon one year when it had a very low price because he loved that marathon so much. It was his favorite and he always wanted to go back.

I will definitely miss him.

It’s a very tough thing when you lose a friend. It’s an even tougher loss knowing this person was one of the most genuine kindest intelligent sweetest living souls one will ever meet.

I’m at a loss right now.

If anything, suffering a loss teaches us to love harder. To take more photos. To do things you love to do more often than not and with people you want to share them with. It teaches us to ask people how they are feeling and sincerely want to know. To show people you care, by doing something kind in their favor. Losing someone you care about teaches us there are much more important things in life than injuries, races, PR’s, YouTube videos, or the newest gadgets or shoes.

Mike was one selfless human being. He did things for others without expecting anything ever in return. And this is what makes me so angry!!! Mike was a good guy!! Yes, I know this is the grief talking.

Since knowing he had cancer back in March 2015, every time I’d see him, I’d ask him how he was feeling more often. It was always, “I’m good.” And you know what? He looked good. He looked great. He looked strong. And there was no doubt in my mind he was going to beat cancer. Maybe he didn’t feel great but he never let on. At least not around me.

The last time I saw him was this past February at our End of Season brunch where Mike took home an award for volunteering during the season. He was always helping. Always.

The upcoming running season will certainly feel differently without him, but I don’t want to think about that now.

A few hours after hearing the news of his passing, and after I got a break in the tears, I decided to go out for a run.

Running injuries are minuscule compared to when someone you care about dies. Life gets quickly shifted back into perspective and I didn’t care about my knee. I needed to run. But I learned it’s not as easy to do when you’re on the brink of hyperventilating due to the flood of tears that would wash over from time to time. The tears didn’t want to stop. But that’s ok. I know they will eventually.

But until then, I’m going to grieve. I’m going to mourn the loss of my friend and this gentle soul. I’m going to feel grateful I was blessed to have known him.

Thank you Mike. Thank you for being the person we should all aspire to be. I will miss you friend. You will be missed by many.

A Hui Hou

Please support me in my effort to raise money for the American Cancer Society. Any amount donated is greatly appreciated.

Thank you for reading.