That past couple of days I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster. Seeing, reading, and feeling the outpouring of love for my friend Mike has been amazing and beautiful. When I ventured to his Facebook wall and read what everyone posted on it, there was something quite apparent. Everyone had a story. Mike was loved by many, and I hope he knew that.
I’ve been trying to find comfort through the struggle I’ve been having with this. My emotions range from sadness one minute to anger the next. Why him??
I’ve also been feeling the guilt. How come I didn’t reach out more? Why didn’t I check in with him more often?
Pretty classic feelings when experiencing grief.
So many times I hear “get out of the comfort zone” and yes, a lot of this is through my own doing. I’m clearly venturing outside of the emotional comfort zone here and that’s why I’d much rather veer towards getting out of the physical comfort zone instead.
I believe that’s why many of us run – regardless if they’re ultras or not. Running helps you deal and cope with life’s difficulties and painful emotional moments.
It’s much easier being outside the physical comfort zone than dealing with the emotional one. I will be the first to raise my hand here. I would much rather deal with a painful blister than dealing with the pain from, let’s say, guilt. You can lance a blister, tape it up, and continue running. Whereas with guilt, you either choose to carry it with you every day, or choose to forgive yourself. It’s not always easy, but I’m guessing the latter, is a much lighter load to carry. Besides, having guilt is much like having a painful blister you choose to do nothing about. It’s always going to be there until you decide you no longer want to deal with it. Having guilt does nothing to help you heal. Absolutely nothing.
I’m not a perfect human being. I don’t always say the right thing, or do the right thing, or make the best choices. But I try to be a better person than who I was yesterday. And that starts with forgiving and finding joy and comfort in life, especially when dealing with death.
Running brings me joy. Writing brings me joy. Coffee brings me joy. Seeing beautiful flowers and cute dogs, especially French Bulldogs brings me joy. Reading someone’s funny tweet, or Facebook post brings me joy.
Reading comments and tweets of support and virtual hugs brings me comfort. And I’m so very grateful for them.
Eating sweet delicious fruit and Rice Krispy Treats (not necessarily together) bring me joy and comfort.
After I wrote about Mike in my previous post, I received many comments about it, and I loved and appreciated every single one of them. They brought me sincere joy and I hope I brought some joy and comfort to someone else. I was reminded by another friend how much Mike really enjoyed my blog. In fact, Mike would tell me that himself every now and then, and I always felt humbled. As I was writing the post, the one thought I had was, I hope he would be proud of it.
Tuesday morning I was able to run 5 miles and I felt good. During the run I started to think about heaven. Anyone who believes in a “heaven” must have their own ideas, but I believe we can make it anything we want it to be. And I believe we can mingle with whomever we want to mingle with. So with that, I know Mike is hanging out with Bowie, Glenn Frey, Prince and all his musical heroes who have passed. Yeah, I’m going to find joy and comfort in that.
Thank you for reading.
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