a trip to doubtland

This week was interesting.  While the smoke from the Sand Fire had dissipated immensely, the air was muggy and hard to run through. I opted for a few days on the treadmill where the temperature was still warm but not as humid.

Oh this humidity. If I just had to handle the heat, fine, but this humidity is purely something else. It drags on you. It makes every step I take feel like I’m in quicksand. And it’s harder to breathe at times. At least for me it is. Of course, this could’ve been the aftermath of inhaling the smoky air and ash from the fire.

Morning time is the worst for it. We’re usually starting around 80% to 90% humidity and later in the day it drops to around 40-50%, if we’re lucky. And by that time, the heat has kicked in. Yeah, you gotta pick your poison – run early with more humidity or run later with more heat?

Both runs I had on Monday and Tuesday were a struggle for me. Not during the run itself so much because I treadmill’d them. Thank you treadmill! I struggled in the moments of getting out the door. There were these brief instances of simply not being motivated and that was tough to break through.

What got me out the door was knowing the clock is ticking on training. The days are going to pass regardless if I train or not, and so I better get moving, or else before I know it, race day will be here, and I’ll find myself looking back wondering why I didn’t train more…even if it was on the treadmill.

I don’t want to find myself doing that. So I guess you can say I kicked myself in the ass to focus and train.

Because I covered close to 40 miles in 5 days, I took Wednesday off as a rest day.

Thursday I struggled again getting out the door because I honestly didn’t feel like dealing with the humidity. But there was no way around it. I needed this run and I didn’t want the treadmill again – as lovely and helpful it can be at times.

The run didn’t start off great. My legs felt tired. My calves felt tight. My earbuds weren’t cooperating because the wire kept getting caught under my hydration pack strap and pulling down on them. My breathing felt labored and I couldn’t get a rhythm going. I felt heavy. I felt like I had gained 20 pounds during my Wednesday rest day. I wanted to turn around so badly and call it a day, but I knew deep down, no good would come from that. There could be issues popping up during a race and I simply can’t turn around and go home. I need to know how to adjust and deal with them, so I’m just gonna have to tough this short run out.

As I was huffing and puffing my way up a slight hill, a homeless man said to me, “Have a great run sister.” I looked over to him, waved, and said, “Thank you! Have a great day!”

I started to think about that. I’m telling a homeless man to have a great day? I was on autopilot because it’s something I always tell someone who greets me.

Just then I realized the “struggles” I was having during the first moments of this run weren’t anything compared to what others are going through more seriously in life.

From then on, I relaxed. My legs loosened up and I could breathe a little easier. However, I still felt really heavy and it wasn’t a good feeling.

I saw this guy run past me, going in the same direction I was. He was zooming by so fast like a man on a mission! About 15 minutes later, I saw him again. Only this time, he was coming straight at me with his same fast zooming pace. I looked over to him to acknowledge him with a slight smile and he looked over at me like I threw his 3 baby kittens out of a moving vehicle. Eek!!

Right then, out of nowhere, all this negative talked showed up.

He probably sees me struggling and wonders why I’m out here.  I don’t look like a runner. I have no business running. How in the world did I gain 20 pounds in one day and how in the world am I going to drop the 15 pounds I wanted before Javelina? I guess I should make that 20. Am I way over my head with this 100 mile race? I’m sooo sloooow. What am I doing??? 

What didn’t help was the fact it was so difficult for me to run up a fairly steep hill that is only around 0.15 miles. I could run up before, albeit not without effort, but still I could run up. I hiked it this day.

I felt defeated.

I felt sad.

I felt the doubt creep up.

I kept running no matter how slow I was going.

The thing is this guy didn’t even do anything. I started to project any subconscious negative doubtful feelings I had, or have, onto him. This was all me.

This was only one run! A 5 mile run at that! One run amongst many! Every single run can present challenges and struggles and it’s these runs which make me appreciate the great runs even more. But the great runs without much struggle don’t make you stronger — stronger to overcome whatever it is you need to overcome. For me, it’s dumping the negative self-talk.

I know doubts are going to pop in from time to time, but I must do my best to block them! Because once doubt settles in and makes itself cozy, my race is over and any chance I have of finishing it I can kiss goodbye. That’s the truth. If I don’t believe I can do this, then I won’t. So I refuse to even take a trip to Doubtland.

I finished the run feeling much better than when I started it, but there were certainly things I had to work through.

90 days until Javelina Jundred.

Thank you for reading!