When My World Changed

February 16th marks one month that my dad has been in a hospital and I can’t even begin to express the difficulties these days have brought, but I’m sure there are people out there who can relate. However, I can sum up how my life has been for the past month: My world has stopped and the life I know has changed.

I’m at work physically, but most of the time my mind is elsewhere. I’m thankful for a boss who has been enormously sympathetic and understanding when I miss work to be with Dad.

My weekends are spent with my dad, and running errands on his behalf so my dad’s life outside of the hospital doesn’t fall apart either.

I’ve been able to run on days when I have time and energy. I’m sure I’ll go into my first race of the year undertrained, but it’s not until April, and whatever, it’s not my highest priority.

Social media doesn’t exist right now. But I might take a peek here and there to see what’s going on and to distract me from my actual life.

I don’t even know what’s going on in the world these days and I don’t care at the moment.

Eating well hasn’t been the best because of time and access. Grocery shopping has become sporadic.

Sleep has been lacking.

Drinking water has been lacking.

Tears have been abundant and at times, never-ending. These days I’m looking more of a mess than I normally do.

I’ve become more easily irritated, even flying off the handle at a nurse who didn’t call us when my dad needed to go in for surgery a couple of days ago. His second surgery was within a month. She had a family friend who happened to be there call us to let us know they needed consent when it was not our friend’s responsibility to do so. I was pissed. This particular nurse didn’t quite have the greatest of bedside manners and I saw how she was throughout the day. She was probably close to calling a Code Grey on me. I later apologized and she said it was okay.

But we’ve gotten to know so many wonderful other nurses and the security staff have gotten used to us.

The days have been filled with so many emotions, challenges, uncertainties, improvements, and setbacks. It’s a nightmare we can’t seem to wake up from and all of it has been overwhelming.

My dad has been able to fight through his struggles, but I know it’s difficult for him. It’s been difficult for all of us, including my sister and I to see how a once, very independent active man has become so vulnerable and fragile, but this is nothing compared to how he feels and what he’s been going through.

But he’s a fighter. He’s died three times, but doesn’t remember the first time. For the second time, he remembers being in a fog. He heard “Dad” and then woke up. My sister and I weren’t even there. The third time he was gone for 2 minutes, but he didn’t see, hear, or feel anything.

My sister and I are grateful for any time we get more with him and for the moments where he’s classic dad cracking jokes and making us laugh. I cherish the moments when he still has his sense of humor. But it’s been a day-by-day thing and sometimes, hour-by-hour. He has his good days and his bad ones.

My sister and I are trying hard to be strong and have faith, but life as we know it, won’t ever be the same. We’re not ready to lose our dad, and we pray it’s a very long time before that happens, but it’s all out of our control. As we say, only God knows.

Thank you for reading. And good healing vibes and prayers are welcomed.