A blank page.
That is what this is. Well, up until 11 words ago it was (give or take).
Over the past year, I would stare at a blank page waiting for black letters to fill it up.
Ideas and thoughts would swirl around in my head, and as I opened up a blank page to get them out onto paper or a document screen, I’d decide against it. Or I’d write something and scrap the whole thing.
For the most part, I struggled with:
What do I want to write?
What do I want to say?
What do I want to talk about?
What if it sounds stupid?
What if nobody reads it?
What if somebody does read it?
Self-doubt. Imposter Syndrome. Writers Block. Not feeling the need to share. All of the above. Perhaps a little bit of everything.
The days when I sat down and began writing a blog post I’d divert myself and do something less productive like doom scrolling, or dog scrolling.
My Instagram feed would be filled with dog videos—one after another—a reel parade of Corgis, Labs, Frenchies, Yorkies…you name it. That is an algorithmic distraction at its finest. That’s also resistance.
And so, a year has passed since I last published anything on this blog.
A year of completing the Marine Corps Marathon10K, cheering on runners at the New York City Marathon, and participating at Across The Years.
A year of going to concerts and watching The Eras Tour through grainy live streams and loving them all.
A year of trying to get my running groove back and finding more joy through walking.
A year of experiencing change, discomfort, anxiety, gratitude, optimism, hope, laughter, and hitting a milestone birthday.
A year of feeling every human emotion and sometimes in a short time.
A year of being alive.
A year of still trying to figure it out, whatever “it” is. I still don’t know.
A year is the longest stretch without one single published post in the 13 years of this blog’s existence. To be honest, I’m amazed my blog has been around that long considering all of the personal blogs I followed when I created this one are gone. Even the person who encouraged me to start one. Thanks, Mike. Wherever you are.
What I realize is I’ve missed writing here. I’ve missed writing in this space in my tiny corner of the internet.
Of course, I know I can write through social media. But while I do enjoy some good social media (hello dog scrolling), my voice gets drowned out, or ignored and while my voice and blog posts can also be largely ignored, they’re here and they’re mine.
Even if no other pair of eyes, besides my own, land here, I still want to continue writing in this space, because it’s a fun creative outlet for me, and if we can find just one thing we enjoy doing in this short life we’re given, then we should do it — as long as it doesn’t harm humans, animals, or property. At least that’s what I think.
Writing here challenges me to push through the invisible barriers and get out of the self-created imposter syndrome resistance box that I have built for myself. Turns out nobody was stopping me but me.
So where do I go from here? What becomes of this blog moving forward?
For starters, this personal blog will still have some running. Although to be honest, my running has entered a new era and one I am trying to navigate. This will probably be a topic of discussion as well as other interests of mine sprinkled in.
I guess that’s kind of what drew me back into this blogging world. I can pretty much write about anything of interest to me, but as I mentioned a second ago, I’m still trying to figure it out.
I may still struggle with those questions above on some level from time to time, but at least now this page is no longer blank. I managed to string letters together to form words and create sentences and I’m proud of myself for that. All that’s left is to hit Publish.
Thanks for reading and if you’ve been here before, welcome back.
P.S. If you’re reading this in the U.S. and will be 18 years old by Election Day (November 5, 2024) and eligible to vote, please exercise your right and vote.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash